Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Fears, Doubts and Details

The week or so leading up to July 20th, I was an emotional wreck.  I have always tried my hardest to keep it together.  I have this (incorrect) idea that I have to always appear picture perfect to those around me.  The only time for tears or fear is alone.  I've felt this even more than ever recently, as I have made this big deal about following God's lead. 

As moving day became closer and closer, I developed this false idea that I could not be scared of what was ahead or doubt the decision I had made.  I was making this bold step in faith and I felt like a lot of people were watching this.  I wanted to make all of those people proud.  I feared that they would not be proud if I was scared.  I feared that they would not be encouraged to step out in faith if I doubted my decision. 

I say all of that in the past tense, but I realize as I write those words, it is still I very real notion inside of me... the idea that I cannot be scared for the sake of those watching this journey of mine. 

I would never lie to you, so I have to be completely honest.  There were moments leading up to July 20th that I was scared... scared that I had forgotten a major detail and scared that I would forget to pack something essential.  There were moments leading up to July 20th that I doubted my decision... what if I was wrong about God calling me to Texas, what if God didn't meet me in Texas, what if I hated it, there was a lot of doubt on my mind.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow,
for tomorrow will worry about itself.
Matthew 6:34

Leading up to July 20th was a whirlwind of emotion, but it wasn't all bad.  God revealed Himself to me time and time again.  Despite being terrible at budgeting and not having a job the last month and a half that I was in Texas, I had enough money to make the trip from North Carolina to Texas happen.  My family and friends were such a blessing to me.  Everyone was overly generous; opening their homes to me when I didn't have a place to sleep, feeding me, letting me dog, house and baby sit, and encouraging me when my doubts crept in!

So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Isaiah 41:10

A friend of mine recently told me that God is in the details.  The moments that I silenced my fears and doubts were the moments that I had the opportunity to see God in the details of my life.  He was truly moving in every area of my life.

Today, I've linked up with the following wonderful blogs!

1 comment:

  1. It's ok to be scared and to show your fear, girlfriend! People are not ultimately looking at you or for you (whether they admit that or not). They are looking at and for the Jesus in you! The courage when things ARE scary. The strength when things ARE hard. Praying for you, that you would come to know Jesus in an even deeper way, that He would reveal to you His love and wisdom for you! I'm proud to see you persevering through the fear and worry!