How Deep it Got

Quick Re-Cap: I haven't written much lately because I've been in a funk.  Back story on the funk - I'm going to pursue going to seminary after graduating this summer.  I asked my parents if I could live with them to save for grad school.  They said I could pay them one dollar less than I pay in rent.  Trying to fix our problems, I was explaining/defending/believing in a dream of mine to find out on twitter that I'd been passed up for the opportunity once again.  Thus began the funk...

It was unimaginably hard to read on twitter that I'd been passed up once again for an amazing opportunity that I dream of, not be able to tell my mom that I'd been passed up once again, and have to continue defending God's plan for my life.  God gave me a vision for my life three years ago, that I continue to pursue despite constant rejection. 

I just wanted to scream off of the rooftops - GOD!!??? What do you keep doing this to me?

I could be alone on this.  I could be making a fool of myself by posting this on the internet.  But, I was mad at God.  I was hurt.  How could He keep leading me down dead end roads?  What did I do to deserve this?  I was a faithful servant.  I tithe over 20% to my church, I serve every weekend - rain or shine, holiday or not, I read my Bible daily, I pray continually.  Was I not doing everything right?!  How could He keep leading me down dead end roads?

I was a mess.  I didn't read my Bible for about three weeks.  I wasn't praying.  I was legitimately mad at God.  He hurt me.

Then one day, when I realized a few days had turned into a few weeks, I got a rude awakening.  I let the devil win.  I felt God lead me down a path, I was obedient but it turned out to be a dead end, and I got mad at God.  I didn't trust His plan.  I turned away in a rage.  I let the devil win.


Am I alone?  Have you ever let the devil win?  Have you ever felt the only way to fix a problem was to turn away from God? 



And, today, I'm linking up with Pour Your Heart Out with things I can't say... Because sometimes there are just somethings you can't say outloud but need to be said.

Thank you for stopping  by!