Sunday, November 13, 2011


Death is probably one of the scariest words to me.  Death terrifies me.  My death and other peoples death.  I don't enjoy talking about death.  I don't enjoy thinking about death. 

Death has been more common this year than I would have liked for it to be. 

In May, Philip passed away.  It wasn't a surprise, but it still hurt to lose him.  I stood at the end of his hospital bed, and was with him until his last breath.  Watching someone who meant so much to me leave the world is an experience I will never forget.

Last week, I had to put my cat so sleep.  He was about five and a half.  I took him to the vet thinking that he had a broken leg.  It turned out that he had a heart murmur, which caused a blood clot in his back, which caused his rear legs to be paralyzed.  I promise you, putting him to sleep was the last thing I wanted to do.  If I had unlimited funds, I would have done all that I could to make him better.  Sadly, I do not have unlimited funds.  So, I put him out of his pain and sent him on.

My great-grandpa is very sick.  He recently had a stuttering stroke which caused damage to the entire left hemisphere of his brain.  He is non-responsive.  He is paralyzed on the right side of his body.  Doctors were saying that he would pass soon.  This week they changed their mind, and said that as long as he eats a tablespoon of food a day, he could go on like this for months.  Knowing that my great-grandpa is in this state is painful. 

I know that death is a part of life.  I will die.  That is a fact I can not avoid.  But, no one I have known to die has died an easy death. Everyone has been in pain.  Everyone was in pain for months, if not years.  The idea of  me dying a slow, miserable, painful death freaks me out.

I just keep wondering why I am having to deal with the people and animals closest to me to die this year?  Is He preparing me for something?  Is He wanting me to become more comfortable with the idea of death?  Why??

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