Friday, November 18, 2011

Taking Time

There are many things that I don't like.  I don't like steak, I don't like putting laundry away and I don't like the word panties.  I don't like sour cream near my food, I don't like not having at least one item of jewelry on, and I don't like reading.  One thing I really don't like is dealing with difficult situations.

As you can read in a post from earlier this week, I have had a lot going on over the past few months.  One thing I have not taken the time to do through the events over the last few months is grieve. 

When Philip passed away, I took a week off of work.  But, instead of spending time with my family and grieving, I spent the week with my best friend.  I knew that with her I could avoid dealing with what was happening.  I only cried around her twice that week.  The rest of the week was filled with random drives, coffee shops, walking the Aiken (s)Mall, getting our nails done, and just laughing.  When I had to come back to reality after Philip's funeral, I didn't talk about what happened.  I quit my job a week later and started a new job. 

When I took Tiger to the vet for what I thought was a broken leg, to realize it was something completely different, I tried to avoid the situation. I didn't stay in the room with my baby as they put him to sleep. As long as I didn't see it happen, I didn't have to believe that he was really gone. Then, I walked downstairs in the mornings and he didn't walk me down, I came home from work and he wasn't at the door waiting for me, I laid down at night and he didn't jump in bed with me. He was really gone... But, I kept moving. I talk to the kids that I nanny daily about him and answer any questions that they have. I just keep hoping that it isn't really happening.

When my great-grandpa had a stuttering stroke, I didn't talk to anyone about it.  I hoped that by not talking about it, it would just go away.  I kept working, I kept volunteering, I took no time to go see him.  I hoped that if I didn't see him, he would have to stick around longer.  Then, he passed away.

When I got a call several months ago about my great-uncle being sick, I just brushed the call off.  He couldn't be at the end all ready.  I still remember the last time I saw him, the meals we ate and the shows that we watched together that summer.  Then, I got a call that he passed away.

In all of these situations, I didn't deal with the difficult situation.  I swept it under a rug.  Out of sight, out of mind...

Earlier this week, when I was asked to walk away from something that meant so much to me, my world was officially turned upside down.  I had worked two years to get to where I was.  I had planned vacations around this position.  I had passed up family vacations for this position.  I had jeopardized friendships for this position.  And, by burying myself in this position, I stepped on toes and was asked to step down. 

As the week has progressed, I am beginning to look at this as a blessing in disguise.  I need a break.  I need to take some time.  I need to take time to grieve the deaths that have happened in the last few months.  I need to take time to see friends.  I need to take time to spend with family.  I need to take time to reevaluate some things with God.  I need to make sure I am only pursuing His goals and not goals of my own desire.

As hard as this is to say, I am thankful to have been asked to step down from something I worked so hard for.

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