Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Not Giving Up

Don't give up on the God who has never given up on you!
Pastor Perry Noble

The last six months of my life have not been easy.  I feel as if the valleys in my life over the last six months have been long and unbearable, and not had many mountains in between.  I feel as if God is slowly stripping away everything good in my life.  Have you ever felt like this?

I am by no means comparing my life to people who have lost everything.  I am not comparing my life to people who started with nothing.  This is all just a personal reflection of what is going on in my life and how I feel.

Over the last six months, I have been tempted more times than I can count to walk away from God.  I hate to admit that, but it is the truth.

When Philip died, I wanted to hate God.  Why couldn't He make him better?  Why did he have to go?  I was so tempted to turn away from God.  I was tempted to doubt Him.  I never did.  But, it would have been easy to.

When God told me to do something that made no sense, I confusingly followed, and felt like He didn't meet me where I felt called, I wanted to doubt Him.  I wanted to question His motives.  I pressed on, embraced the struggle because I felt like that is where He wanted me to be.  I was tempted to doubt Him.  I never did.  But, it would have been easy to.

When my great-grandpa had a stuttering stroke (about ten strokes back to back), which caused damage to the entire left hemisphere of his brain, paralyzing the entire right side of his body, I wanted to hate God.  I wanted to question His judgement and ask Him why He was hurting all of these people close to me.  I was tempted to doubt Him.  I never did.  But, it would have been easy to.

When I took my cat to the vet for what I thought was a broken leg, but turned out to be a blood clot that paralyzed his back legs, I wanted to get mad at God.  Didn't God know how much Tiger meant to me?  Didn't God know that Tiger was like a child to me?  Hadn't He heard all of the conversations I had with various people about how I hoped to die before Tiger, because I wouldn't know how to live without him?  Didn't He know how much I would miss Tiger walking me down the stairs at the morning, greeting me at the door in the evenings and snuggling with me at night?  I was tempted to doubt Him.  I never did.  But, it would have been easy to.

When my great-grandpa and great-uncle passed away, and I was asked to step down from a role I had worked so hard for in one day, I was tempted to be very angry at God.  He knew how much these people meant to me, right?  He knew how hard I had worked to get in the position, right?  Why was He doing this to me?  I was tempted to doubt Him.  I never did.  But, it would have been easy to.

That "one day" was today.  The moment I was about to doubt God, I began to remember a sermon I was listening to recently by Pastor Perry Noble of Newspring Church.  The sermon was on the life of Job.  He mentioned chapters one and two of Job, where God and the devil are talking.  The devil had to get permission to do anything to God. 

The devil has been granted permission from God to put these hurdles in front of me.  I can react in one of two ways.  Way One - Walk away from everything I have worked so hard on, what I have built my beliefs on and where I believe I am suppose to be based a series of bad events.  Way Two - Embrace this, work harder and prove everyone that I will do what God has called me to do no matter what! 

Way one seems much easier.  It seems much more appealing.  As much as I would like to take the easier route, I have yet to take the easier route and will not start now.  I will be embracing this battle, working harder at the goal God has set before me. 

I will not doubt God.  I will not give up on Him.  I will not walk away from Him.

2 comments:

  1. You've been carrying a lot with little to no gratitude from those you've been serving. And you've been hurt deeply.

    Father God sees all and is planning to give you a really special blessing.

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