Things I Can't Say

Today I am linking up with Things I Can't Say!  But, if it were things she couldn't say, it would be blank.  So, it's more like things she can't say out loud!

I have wanted to write about this topic for months.  Before people actually read my blog, I would have had no problem putting this out there.  Now that people actually read my blog, there are some things that I just don't want to write about.

But, I am about to burst.  I need to get this off of my chest.  What is the point of having a blog if you can't write about the things that you can't say out loud?

Once upon a time, I guy friend of mine introduced me to a friend of his.  Now, by introduced I mean, he gave me his AIM screen name and we IMed each other!  We got to know each other through AIM.  Out first date was a double date with one of my friends and one of his friends.  It was a blind date of sorts.  We went to the movies at Concord Mills Mall.

Our first picture together. Cute, huh?

On January 29th, 2006, He asked me to be his girlfriend.  The first year we dated was filled with laughter, good memories and lots of loved.  The second year we dated was filled with lounging on his grandparents couch, silly arguments and not as much love.  The third year we dated was filled with a lot of arguments, a lot of pretending we were happy and little love.  The last six months that we were together was spent trying to figure out what happened, if it was salvageable.  Finally, we both gave up.

One of our last pictures together.

It took two and a half years for me to stop hating myself for not trying hard enough, stop wishing that we were still together, stop hating myself for not being a better girlfriend, stop reviewing each argument, stop missing every happy memory and stop imagining us reuniting and living happily ever after.

I haven't figured out how to stop thinking about him, wishing that he was doing well, and hoping that God is moving in his life.  I pray for him daily.  I may not want us to be a couple again, but I do still care about him and hope that he is doing well! 

We only talk when I facebook message him.  I don't do this often.  About every six months or so.  I imagine that he doesn't want to hear from me, so I don't bother him unless I really feel God beating me down to send him a little message.  I do want him to know that someone is praying for him, though. 

My favorite picture of us.

The things I can't say out loud?  I miss having him as a friend!  I miss being able to tell someone everything.  I miss our friendship.  I hate that we ruined a perfectly good friendship.  I wish I could just call him up and talk to him whenever I wanted.  I wish I didn't think that he hates me now.



I have a post scheduled for tomorrow about something that I can say out loud, and that I strongly believe as a follow up to this rather sad post.