Keeping My Guard Up

Warning: I do not know where this post is going to go.  I just know that I need to write.  Bare with me, please!

There are some people in my life who think that I should be in a relationship right now.  These people thing that I have too much of a guard up.  These people think that if I bring a man into my life, I would be happier.  These people tell me there are areas of my life that I should step back in, so that I have time for a man. 

I am here to say that I am going to keep my guard up for a while.

There is this boy.  We have been talking for over four years.  We met the summer before my senior year of high school.  We have never dated.  We have been on a date or two.  He is all wrong for me.  We have different goals in life, different views on the important things.  He facebook messaged me about a month ago to tell me that he was getting things together and had began to attend a church where he lives. 

I would be lying to say I wasn't elated.  I'll be completely honest and say that the moment I read this message I had two thoughts go through my head.  Him? In church?  God can change all people, right?  and Now we can be together.  After four years, we can finally turn this into something!  We will be the perfect couple. 

I kept my guard up for a little longer.  I know, that probably makes me the worst Christian ever.  I had a bit of disbelief.  I just couldn't shake the thought that this was another one of his games.  He had to be lying.

Saturday night, I let my guard down.  I agreed to go on a date with him, and see where it took us.  I was thrilled to think that after four long years of talking and not talking and talking and not talking and hating each other and loving each other and hating each other that finally we could be something.  I have always thought that it would be a complete waste of years worth of talking if we never dated... and now the time had come.  I could actually see myself dating him.  He was getting his life together and going to church.

Sunday, we were texting about church.  I asked him one last time if it was for real.  I was just playing, was the response I got.  It was all a joke.  A month of lying to me about attending church.  His explanation, I just wanted to see how happy it would make you.  Well, the disappointment I felt from believing his lie far outweighs the happiness that I held onto for a month thinking he could be attending church.

I am going to keep my guard up for a little longer.  Keeping my guard up is keeping me from getting hurt.  Just like God told me when it was going to be okay for me to leave the preschool I was teaching at, He will tell me when I can let my guard down for a man to come into my life.